Whoa, this was harder to summarize than I thought! First, big thanks to Swami for helping me figure out which number ep this was - all the schedule changes confused me. OK, on to the summary:
Previously on Big Brother 3: The hamsters whined and evicted.
This time on Big Brother 3: The hamsters whined and nominated.
Next time on Big Brother 3: The hamsters whine and evict.
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AyaK: Bebo, thanks for meeting with me.
Bebo: Anytime, hon. Um, where the champagne?
AyaK: It's not that kind of meeting. I want to talk to you about your BB3 summary.
Bebo: Whoa, it was hard, but I got it done quickly, didn't I?
AyaK: Well, maybe too quickly.
There isn't a lot of detail there.
Bebo: But I did hit the highlights. We Summary Attention
Whores (SAWs) know how to cut to the chase.
AyaK: But Beebs, with so little detail, it looks
like you just wanted another notch on your bedpost for writing another summary.
Bebo:
Summaries are notches on my lipstick case. I save the bedpost for important notches.
Tell ya what...
you chill the champagne, I'll get to work on a more detailed summary, K?
Previously
on Big Brother 3...
Jason-puppet nominated Marci and Amy-lush. Marci won the Golden
Veto and danced around expressing his delight that he'd get to meet Willy Wonka and tour the
Chocolate Factory. Instead, Marci met Julie Chen when he made the STUPIDEST.MOVE.EVER
in reality TV history by not vetoing himself.
Since there are very few fascinating moments
on BB3, we are now treated to an extended look back at Marci's Golden Stupidity.
Danielle-puppetmaster: Why Marcellus, why???
Translation: Look, just because I voted for you doesn't mean that I wanted you to go. At least, that's what I'm trying to convince you so that you'll vote for me to win.
Amy-lush: Dumbass. It hurt that he left instead of me.
In Amy's honor, I was drinking while watching the show, and I almost spit Chardonnary on this one. OK, I was really drinking just because, but I still almost spit. But I adopted a new toy, the Amy Stupid Statement Tracker (ASS Tracker), because I knew that I would get a chance to use it a lot. That comment was ASS #1.
We're now treated to various shots of the hamsters crying that he's gone. Yeah. Uh huh.
Jason: I had to look out for Danielle.
Translation: I'm her puppet.
Danielle: Marcellus was my friend and my competitor. In this game you stab friends in the back.
Let's open up the Danielle Dictionary:
- competitor: Someone you stab in the back to win money.
- friend: Someone you stab in the back to win money. Then you cry.
Lisa-outtolunch: I have a bad taste in my mouth (and this time, it's not from Eric).
Then we're treated to a recap of Dani's HOH Victory Dance. Around the NFL, players are turning to their buddies and saying, "Dude, I don't look like that when I score, do I?"
Jason's delighted that his Sugar Mama won HOH. Amy says that Dani should nominate Jason since he's her strongest competition. (ASS #2) The little gerbil inside Lisa's head is frantically trying to get the wheel turning, as she describes the vague feeling she's not safe.
Dani finally gets her HOH Love Pack and quickly dons her tacky pink bathrobe. Oh Marci, they were kind to evict you before bringing that thing into the house 'cause it would make you go blind, girl. Then they howled over her Bon Jovi CD, and Dani opened the house sketch.
Dani: For me, money doesn't matter, a house matters.
Um, hon, if you have money, you can buy a house. FYI.
Dani decides to pull her Amy puppet out of the box and have a chat.
Dani: I voted for Marci because I didn't trust him. I love him, but I don't trust him.
Love without trust? Sounds like something Chi-Whora would say.
Amy nods and tell Danielle that she loves her.
Whoa, that really was Amy, not a puppet. The absence of alcohol threw me off.
Danielle talks about how she's gotten rid of the people who knew too much. Roddy knew too much, Chi-Whora knew too much. {INSERT KIKI JOKE HERE}. As she goes through the Marci Love Fest, she said she had to work her words right with Amy. After all, the alcohol's killed a lot of brain cells there.
Amy: Danielle's word is golden. (ASS#3)
Danielle: Jason and I will be the Final 2.
As we listen more to the Clueless Sisters, Amy and Lisa, I get the sneaking suspicion that it's a done deal.
Lisa then admits she feels sorry that Jason had to make the decision and hates that it's weird for him.
OK, I can't stand it. I also need to employ the Lisa Is Clueless Tracker. LIC #1.
Lisa: I think Danielle's working something behind my back.
Gee, ya think? (LIC #2) Actually, we have a scoring adjustment. Lisa's previously mentioned bad taste in her mouth really makes this LIC #3. Please adjust your scorebooks.
At HOH competition, Jason asked Lisa how she voted, and the bad taste came back. (fingers LIC Tracker...not dinging yet 'cause she's approaching a clue) Just when it seems like Lisa is seeing the light on Jason and Danielle...
Lisa: Maybe I'm just being paranoid. (LIC #4 - almost broke the damn buzzer on that one)
Lisa talks to Dani in the bathroom about how she's worried about Jason, and Dani assures her that he's fine. (LIC #5). Lisa feels like there's still a missing puzzle piece. Here's how the puzzle looks at this point:
JASON AND DANIELLE HAVE A FINAL TWO _LLIANCE
She'll figure out this one soon.
Lisa: This could turn around to whack me in the butt. (LIC #6)
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Commercials - including one for the Latin Grammy Awards. Hey, Justin Timberlake, I didn't know he was Latin - guess the name should have been a clue.
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Ack! Julie Chen! I specifically asked for a non-Julie episode. AyaK better bring some Belgian chocolates to go along with that champagne.
The hamsters squeal when told it's Luxury Competition Time! Woohoo! Calm down, Amy. Now run for cell phones! Danielle falls down and goes boom as she runs into the house. Lisa finds hers and caresses it like a vibrator (or so I've been told). Each hamster won a 3-minute T-mobile phone call and a $1,000 gift to send to a loved one - yay! When Dani gets into the DR, she's offered $5k to screw over her fellow hamsters and take away their calls.
Dani: Julie, you're scandalous!
Julie weeps silently, since this is the nicest thing anyone has said to her in a long, long time. Since she now loves Dani too, she promises that she won't tell if she takes the offer, but warns her that the others will get the offer. Dani thinks Amy will be selfish, so she's selfish too and takes it. Now it's time for Amy's offer.
Amy: No, that would be selfish. Danielle wouldn't take the offer (finger on ASS Tracker) ...or would she?
When Julie ups it to $10k, Amy declares "I'm so selfish" and goes for it. Now it's Lisa's turn.
Lisa: I won't take $5,000 because I care too much. (LIC #7)
The stupid "ominous" mood music continues to boom as Lisa refuses $10k (LIC #8). Big Brother's final offer is $15k. No. (LIC#9) Now it's Jason's turn.
Jason: The phone call would be better than winning.
That's it! My stupidity trackers are just going wild. There better be filet mignon waiting with that champagne and Belgian chocolate.
Will Jason take 5k? No. 10k? No. 15k?
Jason: Ack! I hate this. I'm gonna scumbag.
Note to self: scumbag is a verb.
Amy thinks Jason took the deal since he was in there so long. There's hope for her yet. Since more than one took the deal, they go into separate rooms and show the number under the silver seal. Then they bring the phones in and dump them in a box. One of them will win $10k, the call, and the gift.
Lisa: I didn't think anyone would be tempted. (LIC #10)
As the hamsters talk, they show more deductive reasoning than we've seen to date. Danielle says it's not her and asks Jason if it's him. Jason figures out that she never got offered $10k, so she accepted at $5k. Lisa looks dazed as she realizes she's the only one who turned it down. (LIC #11) Jason figures out Amy accepted at $10k.
Lisa: I thought we had a stronger bond. (LIC #12)
Since I'm fluent in Southern, I'll translate the phone call for the non-Southern members of our audience.
Amy: Hey, deh-dy.
Translation: Greetings, Father.
Amy: Haw's Buh-ky? (to audience) He's mah dawg.
Bucky is her dog. We're shown a picture of a cute, sober Australian Silky Terrier. Hard to imagine anything close to Amy being sober.
Amy to her brother: Haw's fuht-bawl?
Translation: Greetings, younger sibling. Please tell me about your football games.
Amy's brother: A'uht. Shot me lotta duv durn seezun.
Translation: The games went well. Thank you for asking. I have been hunting and slaughtered numerous symbols of peace while you have been in the house.
Amy's mom: Ah luv yew!
Translation: I love you, my little lush.
Amy: Mama, I git to bah a prezint, n ahm gittin it fer yew.
Translation: Mother darling, I will be purchasing a special gift for you, courtesy of Big Brother.
Amy's mom: Ah luv yew!
Translation: 'Bout damn time you did something besides embarrass your family on national television.
Last Man Standing
The hamsters comment on how the women had been dropping like flies, but now Jason is the Last Man Standing.
At this point, Mr. Bebo turns the channel, because I'm now watching a sitcom about a born-again virgin living with three women.
Come and knock on our door,
We've been waiting for you,
Where the kisses are hers and hers and hers and his
Four's Company, too.
This episode is entitled "The Vagina Monologues". While the girls giggle, Jason lays on the couch and rolls his eyes. What excellent marriage preparation. Then Jason tries to impress the girls by lifting water bottles, but gosh darn it, he just keeps dropping them.
Then Mr. Bebo switches to a twisted version of The Facts of Life, only in this one Mrs. Garrett has been replaced by a guy who brings snacks to Blair, Jo, and Tootie.
Jason: I've become the butler.
Oops, my bad, it's Mr. Belvedere...in a speedo.
Jason: I'm the Luckiest Man in America.
Yeah, Jason. So many men dream of living with three women and bringing them midnight snacks, but I don't think they'd be bringing fruit juice.
The next day we get to watch the table shrink through the magic of television. Ah, memories.
Food Challenge
The hamsters get to compete for special dinners by transporting water from the big baby pools to the little ones. The catch? They have to wear sponge suits. SpongeAmySquarePants makes sure they get BBQ. (As a Southerner, I appreciate the problems associated with BBQ withdrawl.) SpongeDaniSquarePants goes for the Surf 'n' Turf, while SpongeJasonSquarePants keeps yelling to folks to keep things organized. SpongeLisaNoPants seems pretty useless as she splits her sponge, struggles to keep her pants up, and complains about how tired she is. They're doing well until SpongeAmySquarePants falls into the Mexican and can't get up!
America's Choice Question
Is it just me, or is Amy still going to get votes from guys with bad teeth?
Nominations
You can cut the suspense with a knife. Granted, it's a dull knife, but still...Dani tells them all how honored she's been to spend 10 weeks with them ("8 with you, Amy?") and that her decision was based on strategy. Say it with me, viewing audience.
JASON, YOU'RE SAFE.
Amy: Woohoo, week 6!
Dani: I love you, Lisa. I like to delegate, and Jason will make the right decision. Amy, why break tradition?...I love you too.
Opening the Dani dictionary again...
- delegate - Make my puppet Jason do the dirty work so that he's the one everyone gets mad at in the end. This is the only way I can hope to beat that cutie-pie in the finals.
Dani: The Man of the House will decide (with me pulling the strings behind him). He's single, you're single...do what you have to do.
Lisa: We have an unspoken final three agreement.
Amy: I don't have a clue (DUH!) who Jason's gonna vote for...he doesn't have any alliances.
I just broke the damn ASS Tracker, I hit it so hard. I'm also laughing like crazy at this point.
Dani: Jason and I decide together...at least, that's what he thinks. I like for him to think he gets to wear big-boy pants in this house.
Jason: Both of them have strengths that make them threats. Amy has been lucky so far.
Dani: If Lisa gives me a look...
Sigh. I need more wine.
