Previously on Big Brother: Danielle wins HOH and nominates Lisa and Amy, Jason and Amy win the luxury competition, Jason votes to evict Amy much to the delight of all liquor establishments in the South. And sorry sweetie, no two-week drinking binge in Mexico this time. We are left with the remaining 3 HGs holding onto their keys in rubber boats in the middle of a rainstorm in Southern California.Previously on Previously on Big Brother: For those who have severe ADD out there (an audience CBS must be targeting) Jason votes to evict Amy.
In the DR Jason goes on to explain his logic which basically consists of him believing that Amy was less of threat in competitions then Lisa. Huh? Are we going to have another book balancing challenge? He was doing a lot better when he was just doing what Dani told him to do. Dani states that she has an alliance first with Jason and then Lisa so Amy had to go. Well I think that qualifies as MOTO (Master of the Obvious) statement #1! Lisa then states she is relieved that Amy was voted out instead of hear. MOTO #2.
Now back to the gripping drama that is the HOH competition. Its raining, its pouring and the HGs are getting cold and – oh hearing running water always makes me have to pee. Back in a second.
Ahhh – that’s better. This is why I never saw the end of Titanic (which I am told I should be thankful for). Oh and to my delight its Julie Chen on screen when I come back. Wait a minute, this is Saturday - what is she doing there? No wonder nobody wanted to write this summary. Is she skinny or what? If she stood sideways in a shower would she get wet? I think she gets thinner each season. By Big Brother 7 (God forbid it should go that far) she will back at her original birth weight!
Its Day 78 inside the BB house - just think of everything the HGs have missed. The Florida recounts, Monica Lewinsky, the OJ trial, the Rodney King riots. So much American history went by while they were busy being DAWs. Back to the HOH competition and back to the bathroom for me.
Its wet and cold and they are holding onto keys. Usually by now they are complaining of boredom in the house and now they are complaining about this! What whiners! Some people are never happy. Lisa tells us she is wearing her mother’s top and Eric’s underwear for good luck. I’m not sure whether this is sexy or creepy. Funny thing is that Lisa and Eric don’t look the same size – they must be a little loose on her. Maybe this distraction is what caused Jason to let go of his key and he is out after a mere 45 minutes and he is upset with himself. Dani is yelling at the rain and at Jason and she is generally quite the unhappy floater so she decides to give Lisa the competition in exchange for promising to take Lisa to the finals if she wins HOH. She then immediately admits in the DR hat she lied to Lisa and that she is a scumbag. MOTO #3. She then goes on and on and on about how the other HGs will hate her for lying now but that she needs the money and wants it more then everyone else and we are well into the usual Dani rant. Back to Julie who informs us that we are going to catch up with Gerry, Josh, Chiara and Marcellas. No wonder nobody wanted to write this summary.
After commercials its onto part 2 of the 3 part HOH competition that Dani and Jason have to compete in (Lisa got a bye to the finals for winning part 1). Its a timed event doing tasks around the house. This is so lame. Sort HGs by eviction, do laundry, eat PB&J(what would a BB3 episode be without it!), sort HGs by POV winner – really riveting stuff. Dani takes her time and finishes 3 while Jason completes 4 and Julie announces the results to the HGs live.
Julie asks both Jason and Lisa if they know whom they will vote for if they win HOH and they both say that they do – but they aren’t revealing it, as it is a secret. Shhhh – don’t tell anyone if you think you know. I would have loved to hear one of them say “No Julie, I am a total moron and have no idea what I will do. Is this a game or something?” But to my disappointment the HGs respectfully answer her questions.
After more commercials it is time to check in on Josh who has the caterpillars back on his face. No word on the rest of his body hair - oh wait I spoke too soon as I can see some chest hair there. Josh comments on how good Dani’s strategy is and the fact that keeping Lisa in the game was a mistake. Too bad he gets all this great insight into the game after he leaves.
Then it’s onto Chiara and that burning feeling in my happy zone has come back from seeing her on my TV screen again. Some of the ‘highlights’ include her stating that she lost $500,000 but she got Roddy. Uh yeah, that is pretty much what Roddy is saying too. She is then shown talking on the phone to somebody about Amy being a bitch and then comments that when someone calls someone a name (referring to Amy calling her Chi-whore-a) it is usually because they are one themselves. So by Chia-logic, wouldn’t that make you a bitch? Its sad when a woman’s IQ is lower then her number of annual sex partners. No mention of the 19 men, 7 women, 5 phallic objects, 3 pieces of furniture and 2 barnyard animals that she has had sex with since her eviction. Ok - enough about the walking venereal disease.
Onto Gerry and he is back in the classroom. Mr. Oblivious talks about how proud he is that he lost 19 pounds in the house and that he thinks it was unfortunate that he became a target because of hygiene issues. What is really unfortunate is that you had hygiene issues when you were locked up in a cage with 11 other DAWs!
Now to the Diva. He talks about how he gave up the Golden POV because he saw the other HGs uncomfortable which is a perfectly rational reason to give up a chance at half a million dollars. He thinks that America gasped a collective “NO!” when he pulled off the biggest blunder in reality TV history but we all know that everyone gasped “DUMBASS!” instead. Bonded with Amy blah blah blah disappointed in Dani blah blah blah great experience in the house blah blah blah.
Back to Julie the Cue Card Reader (has anyone yet figured out which CBS exec she is ‘Chiara-ing’ herself to for this gig) who makes MOTO #4 by stating that any one of the HGs left could leave tonight. We then get to see relatives of all 3 HGs including Eric who is looking really serious. I guess getting suspended from his job has made him cheer even harder (no pun intended) for Lisa.
After commercial it is on to part 3 of the HOH competition between Jason and Lisa. Another “What Did the Evicted HGs Say About Who is Still Around” contest. Yawn. No wonder nobody wanted to write this summary. Note to BB executives: Hire someone to spend the next 9 months thinking of new and better games for this show! Lisa answers 8/9 correct and Jason 5/9 so Lisa has become the first and last HOH. I wonder what she will do? The drama is too much! The usual hugging occurs accompanied by some new cheesy music as we are off to pay some bills for CBS again.
The commercials include one for buying the BB3 live feeds with ‘unlimited access’. Can’t they be sued for that? How exactly are the live feeds unlimited? And why are they still trying to sell them? Is there someone out there who held out for 78 days but is going to cave for the final 4! TV execs are so stupid.
Back to Julie who throws it over to the HGs for Lisa to eliminate either Jason or Dani. Jason and Dani get their traditional last words even though Lisa already stated she had made up her mind half an hour ago. Must fill time somehow. And surprise, surprise she evicts Jason while bawling her eyes out. As Jason leaves both of the remaining women have a good cry. I would cry too if I was just assured $50,000 – and that’s the real money, US$.
Julie does the usual evictee interview where we learn that Jason believes that Dani has this thing wrapped up (that would be an oblivious to the obvious statement) and that he will vote for Dani (MOTO #5). Jason handles himself fairly well and says all the right things. He’ll be back on Wednesday as part of the jury for the final episode (finally). The America’s Choice question (excluding all us Canadians of course) is asking who we would like to see win if there is a 5-5 tie in the voting. Call 1-900-740-1000 if you want to help decide.
Well, I am as much a virgin to summary writing as Jason is a virgin to – well sex. Thanks to AyaK for giving me this last minute (literally) opportunity and I hope you all enjoyed it.
